Break ups and Heart breaks: What next? 1) I can't believe this is happening to me

Nobody truly wins after a divorce, separation or break up. With the exception of large financial settlements after departing, breaking up weighs very high on the trauma scale. The situation for both parties gets even more complicated when there are children involved. So what are the things that pretty much go over and over in your mind after a break up happens? Let's look at some of the questions and emotional statements that are replayed constantly in our mind and hearts.

1) I can't believe this is happening to me.
2( How did I get to this point?
3.)How could they do this to me?
4.) What do I do now?
5.) How am I going to move forward?
6.) I wonder if he/she is dealing with someone else. Especially someone who I suspected he/she was dealing with in the first place.

I am pretty sure that there are more questions/statements repeated over and over again or different variations of these mind numbing negative affirmations. Although there is nothing wrong with any of these; and they are perfectly natural, over time if these questions and statements persist they can become crippling and can contribute to a large increase in hormones and chemicals that can continue to block your progress. We will address the chemical side to love and breakup in the next post.

Let's address each statement and bring forth possible solutions that can help alleviate the pain and possibly bring about forward movement and overall life improvement after a break up.

#1 I can't believe this is happening to me.

It is natural for the brain to want to cling on to the past. The past is familiar and it gives us and our memory a nice frame of reference for what is safe. Very few people like to live outside their comfort zone and live a life that is filled with mystery and a bunch of unknown variables. Human beings do not like to be hit by surprise, especially by something as severe as a separation . For this reason the best way to counter the constant voice saying "I can't believe this is happening to me." is to stay in motion. Normally I am against busy work or motion for motions sake, but in the case of a break up movement is very crucial. The more time you have by yourself where you are not moving and you are still, you can pretty much forget any peace of mind and your emotions will take a serious beating.

Some suggestions for countering this dangerous and unhealthy trip down memory lane are to start assessing what it is that you enjoy in life. What are things that make you YOU? Most times in a relationship we may tend to lose our self to our partner and our children to the point that we are no longer who we use to be. We may get caught up in pleasing and sacrificing so much that we drop the core things that allowed us the blessing to be in a relationship and even have a family. So TAKE INVENTORY OF WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU LIKE AND WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY. Once that is done ask yourself are you able to do these things alone. If the answer is no, then that is OK.

The one thing that is vital in a break up situation is SUPPORT. Support from others allows you to take the blame and guilt away and allows you to start taking in the observation and assessment of people that truly care about you. Then ask yourself are you able to consistently participate in the hobbies and activities that bring you joy and that you have not followed through on with the people that you know. If the answer is yes humble out, take charge and ask them if you can setup a schedule where you all can engage in those activities that you have in common. Example if you love reading, ask one of your friends or families if they can join you in attempting to get in the habit of reading more frequently such as working on reading at least one book every week. Starting habits on things that make you YOU with people that care about you will start to give you motivation in areas where you really needed to be motivated but you weren't. In each area of your life that you assessed, find an activity partner that you can work with that you can partner up with to give you the positive habits to get stronger and progress.

If you have friends and family that are willing to become your activity partners, then you are ahead of most. If you haven't been able to create activity partners out of your loved ones, don't worry the 21st century is your gift and curse. Craigslist and Facebook are wonderful for leveraging human capital in areas of your life that you have found to become bankrupt in. Craigslist is packed with individuals just like you that are missing something and are looking for something. Search Craigslist for people, places and things that fit your goals and activities. The reason I am even typing these words is because I decided to take my own advice and search Craigslist for inspiration and people that reflect what I want.

It is difficult to get over break up and equally as difficult  coping with a break up. The most dangerous thing to do after breaking up with someone is to continuously judge and beat yourself up over the situation. The best thing to do while you repeat over and over again  "I can't believe this is happening to me" is to allow yourself the space and freedom to go through the extreme pain and trauma of getting over a breakup and simultaneously do a little each day the things that can best bring you back to your true self and do those things that empower you to get on a path and track of being a single person with confidence, purpose and direction. In the following post we will explore the role of music and suggest the best songs about breaking up and also list the most common top break up songs that best aide in dealing with a break up.